Psychological Matters

The last article ended with the question: Why do some individuals marry narcissists? Narcissistically wounded  people seem larger than life. Due to their tendency to idealize their experiences, everything is a grand adventure. They often are the most charismatic individuals in the room. Others are drawn to their grandiosity and spontaneity. Once people enter the orbit of a narcissist, they are required to submit to the narcissistic person’s control. This control unfortunately is initially attractive to those who are used to regular self-effacement and self-abasement. Also, some individuals lack the self-confidence to take chances. Narcissists solve this problem by allowing others to live vicariously through their adventures. However, marriage to narcissists is extremely difficult. Narcissists are insensitive to the needs of their spouse. They are dismissive of their partner’s opinions and thoughts. They have trouble empathizing with others and seem emotionally ...

In healthy marriages, couples easily move in and out of intimacy. There are periods of time when the two individuals allow themselves to merge physically and psychologically, and other periods of time when the two people are encouraged to be separate, autonomous individuals. No one person controls the other partner, but rather there is mutual support. The couple values each other’s differences and tolerates each other’s shortcomings. There is an implicit understanding that the marriage becomes richer when the membersʼ individuality is nurtured. Marriage to narcissists is much different. Control is the key component in these relationships. Narcissists need their partners to admire and pump up their fragile self-esteem. They long for a complete merger with their spouse. Their partner’s autonomy and individuality is consumed by the narcissist’s need. Only the narcissist’s goals and desires are pursued. The person who marries a narcissist learns to submit. This person is ...