Psychological Matters

This fall I have been exploring the personality characteristics and interpersonal dynamics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There have been several excellent references I have used in the writing of these articles.  Here is a list of those resources; please note that it is not alphabetical, but rather in order of my favorites.      ·        You Might Be a Narcissist If . . .: How to Identify Narcissism in Ourselves and Others and what We Can Do About It. Meier, Paul M.D., Charlebois, Lisa L.C.S.W., Munz, Cynthia L.M.F.T. Langdon Street Press, 2009. Dr. Meier’s book contains a helpful questionnaire to aid in the identification of narcissistic personality tendencies. He also discusses the role narcissism plays in parenting and marital relationships. ·         Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. Hotchkiss, Sandy LCSW, Free Press, 2002. Ms. Hotchkiss spends som...

The last article ended with the question: Why do some individuals marry narcissists? Narcissistically wounded  people seem larger than life. Due to their tendency to idealize their experiences, everything is a grand adventure. They often are the most charismatic individuals in the room. Others are drawn to their grandiosity and spontaneity. Once people enter the orbit of a narcissist, they are required to submit to the narcissistic person’s control. This control unfortunately is initially attractive to those who are used to regular self-effacement and self-abasement. Also, some individuals lack the self-confidence to take chances. Narcissists solve this problem by allowing others to live vicariously through their adventures. However, marriage to narcissists is extremely difficult. Narcissists are insensitive to the needs of their spouse. They are dismissive of their partner’s opinions and thoughts. They have trouble empathizing with others and seem emotionally ...

In healthy marriages, couples easily move in and out of intimacy. There are periods of time when the two individuals allow themselves to merge physically and psychologically, and other periods of time when the two people are encouraged to be separate, autonomous individuals. No one person controls the other partner, but rather there is mutual support. The couple values each other’s differences and tolerates each other’s shortcomings. There is an implicit understanding that the marriage becomes richer when the membersʼ individuality is nurtured. Marriage to narcissists is much different. Control is the key component in these relationships. Narcissists need their partners to admire and pump up their fragile self-esteem. They long for a complete merger with their spouse. Their partner’s autonomy and individuality is consumed by the narcissist’s need. Only the narcissist’s goals and desires are pursued. The person who marries a narcissist learns to submit. This person is ...

Since Freud, researchers have studied various environmental effects on maturing personalities, and it has been well documented that parenting styles are profoundly involved in the shaping of children’s developing psyches. It is hard enough working with a narcissistic boss or living with a narcissistic spouse, but being raised by narcissistic parents has several serious emotional consequences. What are some of these effects? Dr. Paul Meier in his book, You Might Be a Narcissist If . . . How to Identify Narcissism in Ourselves and Others and what We Can Do About It , identifies four consequences of narcissistic parenting. They are: 1) the  development of a false self; 2) the desire to behave with perfectionism; 3) chronic habits of passivity; and 4) increased vulnerability to addictive behaviors. The Development of a False Self Since narcissistic parents unconsciously need others to help soothe their fragile sense of self, they naturally turn to any available relationsh...

Recognizing the need for help is always challenging. It is especially difficult when dysfunctional narcissism is present. The nature of the disorder leads sufferers to believe their problems result from circumstances outside themselves and not from their poor choices or bad behavior. This occurs for two main reasons. First, narcissists rarely accept responsibility for their situation. Being responsible means accepting blame. Since feeling at fault is intolerable, they project blame on to other  people or the environment around them. For example, if narcissists aren’t punctual to an important business meeting, it isn’t because they left home too late,  it is because of the slow drivers who delayed them as they traveled to work. The second reason narcissists don’t see themselves as the cause of their problems is because they tend to believe they are better than others. The rules that apply to others, don’t apply to them. This isn’t real confidence or healthy self-estee...

Since the development of narcissism is due to childhood stresses, and no one has a perfect childhood, all of us have varying degrees of this dysfunction. Although a brief list of narcissistic traits and characteristics was provided in the last article, it still might be hard to determine if we display these characteristics on a day-to-day basis. I think Dr. Paul Meier’s  wonderful questionnaire in his book, You Might Be a Narcissist If ,  might be able to help us identify the daily presentation of narcissism.  The questionnaire does not having a scoring system, however we can evaluate how frequently we unconsciously and/or accidently behave in the manner described in each question. Narcissism Questionnaire 1.  Do I have a humble heart? Do I realize I’m not perfect and have both strengths as well as weaknesses---and don’t feel overly threatened to acknowledge either of them? 2.  Do I have empathy for others? Can I put myself in their shoes and ima...

What is narcissism? Narcissists have these common characteristics: Exaggerates their abilities or personal value   Are unable to empathize with others’ needs and concerns   Tend to use others to meet their own emotional and physical needs   Are unable to accept failure   Fear intimacy because they are afraid to be found out or exposed as a fraud or failure   Deny personal responsibility and shift blame to others   Keep others at arm’s length to prevent from being known   Are controlling and need things to go their way   Tend to devalue and/or abandon others when they feel out of control   See people as “good” or “bad” or in other words, tend to idealize some people while demonizing others   Determine a person’s goodness or badness by this individual’s ability to please them   Treat others as objects or tools   Struggle to recognize that ot...

I enjoyed watching a recently released DVD this weekend, called Morning Glory . One of the main characters was Mike Pomeroy (Harrison Ford), a veteran TV journalist who loved to list his famous interviews and numerous awards. Other co-workers frequently referred to him as the “third worst person in the world.” He treated his colleagues with casual disregard and at times sabotaged others to get his way. He was divorced, had lost touch with his children, and lived in an apartment which looked like a museum. The movie was a comedy, and Mike was fun to watch because he was easy to hate. Yet, there was something very sad about him. Mike Pomeroy is a great example of a classic narcissist. Narcissists are usually charming, attractive people. They often are successful in their chosen careers. We find them interesting and make them the center of attention. Life around them feels exciting and spontaneous. We ignore the fact that they become disinterested when the conversation drifts aw...